Occasionally, life just isn’t fair. Timing is bad. And you fly back to cold weather and terrible, terrible news.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see an incredibly successful person. Someone who is confident, pretty, kind and funny. And yet, finding a good fit is never possible. How is it, if you are all of these things, that time and again things just don’t work out?
Someone told me I was just too cool for him anyway. I guess that’s possible, and in fact, he said that he thought we were too different. My artistic nature was referred to - so now I don’t know if I want to be proud of the fact that I’m a little strange, or just mad at it. Actually, no. Fuck that guy for not being down. Also, who says, “You live in Brooklyn and I live in Manhattan…”? Talk about judgmental. That’s borough racism if I’ve ever seen it.
Screw you, dude. Our food is better.
As a person, I choose to give so much of myself, because it shouldn’t really be any other way. I head into these things fearlessly, and when they end I’m sad or I’m not. I’m a little sad this time around, but not that sad. I’ll live. Not exactly the greatest way to end 2012, I’ll say that. I was just watching something where they were discussing timing. I wish I could remember what it was now.
Fuck this year. Next year will be boss.
Side Note: I couldn’t help but giggle when I heard him say, “…plus you have a cat, and I’m allergic to cats,” as an excuse while being broken up with. Always find the funny.
Ah, to dodge the bullet. To spare gory detail, and to avoid any sort of real emotional involvement, I found out tonight that all of my suspicions since January had been correct.
It’s wonderful, being right. Years and years of reading Nancy Drew and Goosebumps books have honed my bullshit detector skills.
I ignored them. How shameful!
I’ll say this: it’s very easy to make excuses to make everything better. It’s easy to look back and think about how stupid you made yourself look. To think that you were a huge chump. I will never feel that way.
I loved honestly, and what’s more important than teaching yourself that you can still do that? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And honestly, maybe it’s good that I learned how to not trust someone more.
You forget, sometimes, when you love honestly, that perhaps that person doesn’t love you back as much. “How is that even possible - I love them so fucking much - there’s no way.” The truth is that most people are good at pretending. We have been bred as a generation of good liars, so expect to be lied to.
It will happen. Even to the kindest of us.
I couldn’t be happier that my father is coming to town tomorrow. There are men who will come and go, but that is one man who’s going to love me no matter what.
As for you, sir… see you around the neighborhood. I’ll be the one laughing after you walk by.
My best friend from college called me today to tell me that she’s having a baby. I don’t think I’ve had a happy moment that happy in at least a year.
I’m helping another friend with her wedding. It’s going to be really wonderful, and her and her boo are one of those great couples that just make you happy to be around.
I ate a can of beans for dinner tonight. Not because I can’t afford a nice meal, but because, you know, I was compelled to eat a can of beans.
I sometimes worry that I’m going to be eating beans by my lonesome for a while.
I look around me, and I see everything happening, but I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. I’ve never been one to rush things - ever - but I’m beginning to see myself getting left behind. That bums me out.
Who would have ever thought that in a city with millions of people that it was so easy to feel even a little bit lonely? It’s possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad or anything. I write these things and I say these things because I’m tired of using “I” and not “we” anymore.
Looking back to my past, I see a clear path that almost was, and I wonder a little bit sometimes (especially during times like this), that maybe I fucked up. Not erred, but majorly fucked up. But alas, that’s in the past, and I would probably be the one calling people about having babies.
I am a lady who ate a can of beans tonight. God help any future babies.
I’m sure things will work out in their own time. I guess?
It’s been a hell of a long time, hasn’t it?
I’ve had the same song on repeat for the last day. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, “Bad Blood.”
It’s like this song is the glue that holds it all together. I feel like I’m struggling lately, just to get over things and get on with my life. I’m sure it’ll all come together eventually.
Until then, I’m just going to wake, eat, sleep, repeat. Throw some life in there, just a bit more everyday. At some point, everything that has happened, including this nagging feeling that I’m being lied to - it’ll all go away.
Bad blood down the drain.
Thanks for letting me know that sanding a floor was more important today.
Things really are just the worst.
OH MY SOUL, THE SUPER BOWL.
First Giants Super Bowl my Dad and I are going to watch together since we won in the 1990 season. Go figure we beat San Fran tonight.